HomeFeaturesElden Ring

The joy of naked treasure runs in Elden RingAbsolutely maidenless behaviour

Absolutely maidenless behaviour

The player character in Elden Ring stands, dressed in rags and wearing an iron mask on their head, stands in a ruined house. An NPC, off screen, has said “It’s scary you know. Having your arms cut off. Or legs. Or your head."

Slight story spoilers forBig George’s Ring Fit AdventureElden Ring, probably.

The lumbering forms ofElden Ring’s trolls disguise an ancient melancholy. Turned traitors in the war between demigods and giants, their reward for loyalty to the Golden Lineage was an eternity in shackles, used as frontline fodder in bloody conflicts or beasts of burden hauling funereal carriages around the Lands Between. Since learning their history, I often muse sadly upon it, as I weave between their horribly gnarled legs in my freshly tarnished underwear and hoover up the shiny objects scattered underneath their feet.

I’m on my second run of Elden Ring now, progressing slowly and methodically, examining every statue and reading every spell description. But the first time through, the need to cram the whole content buffet in my face at once got the better of me. Underleveled and underprepared for most areas, I developed the winning strategy of stripping down to my burial rags for a speed boost and streaking through the wilds, shoving everything valuable down my pants.

To see this content please enable targeting cookies.Manage cookie settings

To see this content please enable targeting cookies.Manage cookie settings

Listen, mate. I beat Orphan of Kos, and it only took me six hours. But there’s no way FromSoftware intend you to fight three giant lobsters at the same time in lieu of just grabbing the item they protect and hoofing it away cackling. And yet! they still manage to make you feel like a lithe and spicy cat burglar when you do it. It’s not just cheese, but a lovingly arranged cheese platter next to a “please enjoy” sign.

Elden Ring shares strands of DNA from each of From’s previous outings (collectively known as El Soulsborno. This is a thing now.) But large swathes of its open world remind me most strongly ofDark Souls 3’s Farron Swamp, an area I have it on strong authority was brainstormed when Miyazaki locked a level designer in a mouldy cupboard for six hours, only opening it to intermittently pelt an angry crab at their face.

Image credit:FromSoft

The player character in Elden Ring standing in front of four small pot-boy style pots with little arms.

Torrent, with their speed and poison-immune spectral hooves, makes oppression fun. They grant a safety and mobility that still allows for the sense of traversing unwelcoming biomes filled with insurmountable foes, but without putting the player off from exploring to their heart’s content. This comes with the added bonus that the more horrible the location (looking at you, Caelid), the more you end up falling in love with the ghostly shetland pony/mountain goat hybrid.