HomeFeatures

The 9 most desperate cowboys in PC gamesOne Off The List

One Off The List

[Warning:this article must be read entirely in a comedy cowboy voice]

Howdy pardner. Spittoon? Take it, we got a whole crate of them right here. Every god-fearing outlaw needs a good spittoon at their heels, as my grandmammy used to say. Hoo-wee, what a women. She was known to enjoy a strong snifter of list article, you know. Everyone who visited got a spittoon and a list article. And vidyagames be damned if I ain’t the same obliging sort as my grammy, yes sir. So here you go, friend. In anticipation of that thereDesperados III, here are the 9 most desperate cowboys, cowgals, and cowbots in PC gaming. Yeehaw, I say, yee and haw.

Dutch Van Der Linde -Red Dead Redemption 2

It don’t.

Ashe -Overwatch

She’s mean, she’s lean, she shoots you in the spleen, it’s Ashe from Saturday morning hero shootoutOverwatch. This sneering, white-haired riflewoman is an enterprising outlaw, all told. She has the good sense to bring a giant robot to a gunfight, for one thing, and the even better sense to christen that robot “Bob”. But otherwise she’s small and easily murdered in a posse showdown, meaning she needs to avoid sneaky flanksmen. Which explains her back pocket move of desperation: a panicked blast from a novelty shotgun, so forceful it pushes her back and away from danger. Yes ma’am, she’s a very talented lady. I hate her.

Irvine Kinneas -Final Fantasy VIII

Revolver Ocelot -Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

He’s pretty good.

Silas Greaves -Call of Juarez: Gunslinger

You know that acquaintance y’all have who tells stories? Stories that make you squint and go: hmmmm. Like about the time they went to a hootenanny and, would you believe it,H from Stepswas there. And he, that’s H from Steps I mean, was a little rude to the host, so your acquaintance, for lack of a better term, gets into a ruckus with H from Steps, and kicks him out of the shindig, no word of a lie, it was H from gosh-darned Steps. Well, Silas Greaves, the main character fromCall of Juarez: Gunslinger, is your acquaintance in this scenario. He spends this whole first-person shoot-de-doo telling tales wild with embellishment, about the time he duelled Jesse James, about the time he took down Old Man Clanton, or roughed up Billy the Kid, et cetera, et cetera. But y’all know it’s horse manure.

Cow boy -Black & White 2

Acow boy. This here is what you pretty city folk might call atek-nee-cal-i-tee.

Dot McCrank -SteamWorld Dig 2

Now lookee here,Dotis desperate. Desperate for JUSTICE. Wait, I say justice? I meant jewels. Lower-case jewels. Indubitably, she adores ‘em, pretty much addicted to jewels. Robots and cowboys go well together, as we’ve been blessed to learn, and Dorothy, well, she’s the best of both worlds. She picks at the earth with fancy pneumatic tools and drills, searching for gemstones and her friend Rusty. She fires water bombs (bombs of water, sweet Jesus) at anything with teeth. Please, I suggest y’all learn to respect her.

Stranger -Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath

You -Hunt: Showdown

BANG.

BANG BANG BANG BANG.

…

BANG.

One Off The List from…

“Because what discussion of sunny holidays would be complete without the irritating hipster who suggests somewhere more ‘authentic’,” says listfluencer “TheDyingAtheist”, who suggests a better star. “In this case, the Class-M Red Giant of FTL. You’re just not getting the real experience unless your shields are down and half the ship is on fire. And you’re busy posting it to your Instagram.”