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The 11 worst years of our future, according to gamesOne Off The List
One Off The List
Here we stand in the dark neo-year of 2020. The spam bots have risen to prominence, the governments of the world are bickering over follower counts, and history class has been renamed “meme studies”. Somewhere, in a dusty room in the RPS treehouse, a rogue human is compiling a list article for a crumbling PC games website. It is a warning to all those who read it. A prophecy of the terrible things to come. Wars, invasions, disease, heat death. Videogames, it turns out, have predicted all this and more. Here we replicate this cautionary pre-chronicle, your guide to the harrowing times ahead. Here are the 11 worst years in our future history, according to games.
The great goblinization, 2021 -Shadowrun Dragonfall
The Shadowrun games are set in the 2050s, on an earth rife with both fantasy magic and sci-fi megacorps. But it’s thebackstory events of 2021that really turn the planet into a giant sphere of fighty weirdos. One day in April, 10 percent of the human race suddenly mutate into elves, trolls, and other Tolkienoids. This dice roll of demonization isn’t bad in itself. What insecure teen doesn’t want to wake up one day to find their tusks finally growing in? Humanity’s reaction, however, is characteristically scumtacular. Some countries round up the mutants, some offer refuge. The king of England is one of the goblinized, according to Shadowrun lore. But British people confirm that, no, that’s just how the royal family look.
Cyber plague, 2052 -Deus Ex
The comet of 2103 -Soma
Earth invaded, 2186 -Mass Effect 3
Have you heard the good news of our lord and saviour, The Reapers? They are the gargantuan metal cuttlefish of theMass Effect trilogyand they are here to microwave your planet like a big bowl of baked beans.Mass Effect 3begins with the summary zapping of every major Earth city and presumably the deaths of billions of idiot humans. Only one famous commander has the guts to spend 30 hours knocking on planets and calling in favours to save us. Don’t fret. I’m sure this existential threat will have a happy and emotionally satisfying ending.
The robot regime, 2347 -Stellaris
Not the worst leader we’ve elected, to be honest.
The war treaty of 2512 -Battletech
For those who did not pay attention in future-history class, this is the yearthe Ares Conventionis signed in the Battletech universe. It bans the use of nukes and bioweapons, and sets the ground rules for all wars to come. Which sounds very noble. Except, uh, now war is basically the galaxy’s favourite sport, a constant fact of interplanetary life, and the go-to method for settling even trivial disputes. Permawar, banalwar, shrugwar, something mildly disagreeable that you manage to brush off, like seeing a rat changing trains in the subway. Alongsidenew fangled robo-giantscalled Mechs, tanks are a-blasting and little men are a-shooting all over the universe, while they are not being harmoniously squashed. And it is all perfectly normal, like the background hum of traffic. At least this permanent state of megaconflict will keep our military ready and our combat senses sharp.
Earth invaded again, 2552 -Halo 2
We deserved this.
Regime change, 2554 - Stellaris
Oh no, not Karen.
A new frontier, 5500 -Rimworld
All humans are dead, 11945 -Nier: Automata
Even though we are all dead and gone, our lust for war remains, trapping our unwitting robo-descendants in a cycle of endless and pointless violence. We are the worst creature to have ever existed. A meaty pong that just wont come out of the planet, no matter how hard our robot progeny scrub. I wish we had never evolved.
The end, 63189 -Universe Sandbox
One Off The List from… the coldest monsters
Last week, we trampled through the snow to discover the8 coldest monsters in PC games. But one of them was too hot to trot. It’s…the frost troll.
There were a lot of votes to disqualify Sander Cohen fromBioShock, on the grounds that he uses plaster, not ice, to freeze people into grotesque statues. But, crucially, this does not detract from the coldness of his heart. So it is theSkyrimtroll who gets the boot. As troll hunter Lacero points out: “It’s a great choice but Skyrim also has the Ice Wraith, a ghost of cold that sounds like the water in the air is freezing around it, spits ice at you, and leaves behind ice teeth in a pile of ice when it dies. If Skyrim has an entry, it’s got to be that.” There you have it. Off you pop, wannabe yeti. You were only ever a tepid troll.
See you next week!
