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Temtem? I hardly know him!
Temtemis an early access game in which you trap and tame small creatures in magical cards, battle them against other tamers, and try to tame every variety ofTemtemon the strange archipelago where you live. If this sounds like it’s all a synonym for Pokémon that’s because it is: Temtem is Pokémon on PC. Except, well, there are loads of Autochess games and Battle Royale games, so fantasy dogfights can be a larger genre than one series, right?
I have been enjoying Temtem, but there are a lot of things in it that distract me slightly. There is the way that every signpost looks a bit like it says GRINDR at first glance. The way that all Temtem have a fixed, glassy smile during battles. The fact that one of the Temtem you can catch early on looks like the result of a terrible, illegal experiment to crossbreed rabbits with turnips, and it turns out to be human sized. And then, of course, there is the fact that Professor Konstantinos is unexpectedly hot.
WHO MADE YOU?
Konstantinos is a local Professor who guides you a bit, and gives you your first Temtem. I picked Crystle, a kind of lizard, because it did a little dance when I went up to the enclosure. The other two Temtem looked very smug.
Incidentally, when I went outside and ran into other players (because Temtem is an MMO), I was literally the only one in the group of new starters who had picked Crystle. What is wrong with our nice green rock boy? Shame on you all.
Konstantinos is starting Temtem strong (assuming other professors will be introduced at some point). Those striking eyes, the flash of grey in his hair that he clearly put there himself, the professor-wear that says ‘I’m practical - but fashionable and age appropriate’. He has a chinstrap beard, but somehow it works?? In an ITV murder mystery, Konstantinos would be the professor suspected of having an affair with one of his students but it turns out he was just offering emotional support while she goes through a tough time (not the other kind of professor, who actually is having a seedy affair and is probably the murderer).
The kids who were eight years old when Pokémon Yellow came out have now grown up and graduated to making jokes about how Professor Oak was just trying to get Ash out of the houseso he could fuck Ash’s mum. Given this, Konstantinos’s very presence in Temtem feels like a power play - a throw down out of the gate - because he is canonically one step ahead of you on your tamer journey for his work and research commitments, so he’s better looking than Oak, but is alsoa professional. This is especially poignant because your mum in Temtem clearly actually is in love with him.
The poor, unrequited woman. Rattling around an empty house. Too bad, I have rabbit turnips to smash together.
