HomeFeaturesThe Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
I am fairly certain this is the plot of The Witcher 3There was definitely a pirate ship
There was definitely a pirate ship
I’m one of those people.
I’ve played the start of The Witcher 3 five times now. And so, to commemorate its fifth anniversary and my impending, inevitable sixth attempt at playing it, I’ve decided to see how much of the game I can remember and synopsise here, without cheating and googling anything. I’m going to try and do this in one take, so I can’t second guess myself, and I’ve even done some illustrations, to help with your immersion in the tale. So, are you prepared? Let’s go!
The plot of The Witcher 3, explained
The race does not finish, however, because a massive flying pirate ship appears in the sky, and beside it there are a load of guys who look like the Lich King off ofWarcraft, doing wheelies on their horses in mid air. These fellows are the Wild Hunt, and they are in the game’s title. Here’s the main idiot of the Wild Hunt:
Gerald’s instincts lead him to a town, which is in the middle of a war. He asks some people in a pub about his girlfriend, but they are meatheads and are bigoted to him, and so he has to sword them all up instead. But at least he learns to play a collectible card game. There are ghouls hanging around on the outskirts of town, because they love the corpses from off of the war, and there are frog dudes in the water who try to strangle Gerald because they are angry at having drowned and want to see how he likes it for a change. A dwarf calls Gerald a c*nt.
Well, after that things get a bit hazy. I think there’s a cool old woman you visit to get more herbs and stuff, and she’s got a long laundry list of local monsters for you to do in. One of them is some sort of turbo ghost who lives in a well and then comes out of it, all on fire, to absolutely dismantle people. Gerald beats it up, but then feels a bit bad about it because I think it was a girl whose husband strangled her when they were meant to be getting married or something, and then chucked her in the well. Anyway, Gerald’s not a bad sort because she’s been able to rest at last.
I think the Wild Hunt men show up in their big ship again, and one of them points at Gerald. They both get very cross. And that, I am afraid, is all that I really remember. Alice Bee told me earlier she’s fairly sure the Wild Hunt don’t have a pirate ship, and I have since remembered that the last time I played The Witcher 3 I was on a massive dose of painkillers because my knee was a disaster, but I’m still certain there was a big flying pirate ship. I guess I’ll have to go back once again and find out. In the meantime though, I hope I’ve impressed you with my powers of recall.
(Disclaimer for Witcher superfans: I am not dissing the game. It is very good, from what I’ve experienced.)
