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I adore the terrible banter of Elden Ring player messages"Visions of snake"

“Visions of snake”

An Elden Ring player faces the camera, with a player message that reads, “fort, night” obscuring their eyes.

PlayingElden Ringbefore its official launch was an honest experience. I’d flick the game online and see a few messages scrawled on the ground in glowing chalk. It was a Lands Between where “try jumping” wasn’t some evil trickery, and “illusory wall ahead” meant discovering a hidden passage.

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You might think getting your hands onElden Ringbefore its launch would be super cool and super awesome. While it was both of these things, it was also super terrifying. I was a lowly Prisoner in FromDifficultware’s largest world to date, without any online reading material: no guides, no clips on Reddit, nothing to help a brother out. But in online mode, I saw ghostly apparitions of other adventurers going through the same ordeal, which acted as a reminder that I wasn’t alone. Loads of others were in the same boat (more like deathly gondola eh? wink wink nudge nudge) and we’d all leave messages to help each other out.

And if you’re unfamiliar with Souls' messaging service, then here’s the deal. You choose from drop-down menus of words or phrases, snap them together, and your character will scrawl the message onto the floor once you’re done. As Alice Bee perfectly put it to me once, it’s a bit like those fridge magnets word packs, but instead of the theme being “Shakespearean insults”, it’s “the internet x Ghormengast”.

An Elden Ring player stands next to a ghostly jellyfish and reads a player message that says, “horse”.

There are, however, terrible messages which make for a good laugh. Many of them are absolute grot, which appeals to my juvenile sense of humour. Lots of “If only I had pickle” when literally any statue has its back turned. “Head” makes an appearance whenever there’s any kneeling statue or massive head, I suppose. Don’t forget the “but hole” specials, reserved for any pointed objects jutting out of the grass, or the popular “try finger but hole”.

An Elden Ring player sees a small pole jutting out of the ground with the messages, “If only I had a giant… But hole…” written next to it.

Then, of course, you’ve got the turtles that are dogs – a good chuckle from me. In Elden Ring, any animal can be labelled a dog. But I’ve come to appreciate the less prevalent “lever” left next to levers. They are the perfect message: informative, simple, dreadfully obvious. So obvious that you’ve taken the time to read the message in front of the object you’ve already clearly identified as a lever. Stunning.

An Elden Ring players reads the message “lever” next to a lever.

The football chant remains my favourite genre of Elden Ring message, though. You’ll encounter these when turning your camera to face towers or magical gateways without obvious entry points. After the initial disappointment or puzzlement of the situation, you can always count on a “O you don’t have the right O you don’t have the right” to hammer home the situation. All the better if you image an arena at full capacity, plastic beer cups in the air, flags painted on bellies, all belting it out in unison. Some performing the “tosser” hand motion just to rub it in.

There is something remarkably creative about the finest player messages. They stick together phrases and words which you wouldn’t think would work, but somehow, they marry perfectly. Perhaps even more impressive is the grotty imagery they’re able to evoke with the strict confines of a PG dictionary. And they don’t hold back. Once something sticks, the repetition helps cement them as a good joke. And even if it’s not that funny initially, like “lever”, for instance, the more you see it, the more it begins to crack you up.

An Elden Ring player reads the message, “O you don’t have the right, by the way you don’t have the right, O you don’t have the right”.

I’ve gone from one extreme to the other since Elden Ring’s launch, and you might think that the world being awash with terrible messages has muddied my experience of the game somewhat. Where before I’d felt like I was part of a small band of adventurers, now I’m very much running behind the pack, relying on any scraps of info they feed me, accurate or otherwise.

But I really don’t mind the awful chat. The messages may be silly or dumb or plain unhelpful, but they fit the world of Elden Ring very nicely. For one, it isn’t Balamory, it’s a horrible land filled with nasty creatures that want to flay your skin from your flesh and use it as a pair of curtains. Many of the messages are helpful in their own way, even if they’re lies, because they provide some mild laughter in the face of misery. The very act of processing messages can also serve as a reminder to buckle up and watch yourself. You never know if a highly appraised message could be a collective duping from hundreds of players at your expense. I genuinely can’t see myself every playing in offline mode. I’ve grown to love the buzz of terrible patter whenever I sit down for an Elden Ring drubbing.